Hello again to everyone. I'm not sure where this post will end up going, just that I need to write it and get it out. I'm struggling with something, poised on a precipice if you will, but I don't know if it's on the verge of something great or just another failure.
The issue of my identity has haunted me for years. I've struggled with it, lied about it, fought with it, and I still end up back at the same place. Thankfully, with the help of a great mental health team, I've been able to get a better grasp of who I am, and be more comfortable with who I am within myself.
Unfortunately, that hasn't translated well online. I've put "Faith" in the past, and I tried to rebrand myself as "Ace", but unfortunately, I ended up making Ace what I thought people wanted instead of who I truly am. And that just doesn't work. It hasn't worked, and it isn't going to work. I deserve better, and you all deserve better as well. I deserve to be myself, and you deserve to get the real me.
Fortunately, however, I started branching out into other areas online, and I found that I could be myself and actually be accepted for who I am. And I have been. I've made some great connections and been able to be authentic while doing so. I'm in a happy place.
Everywhere except the Battletech community. In the Battletech community, I've clung to the idea of Ace as what I thought everyone wanted out of me, and in doing so, I wasn't what anyone actually wanted or deserved. I haven't been,
But I want to change that. I want to just be myself, as myself, in the community of the game that I love. I'm just not sure how to do that yet. I'm trying. I'm struggling. I'm failing. But I'm still trying...
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