A little Short Story that I wrote in the universe that I'm setting my new Po Ding Novellas in. Fans of #pirates #scifi #Mecha and #Battletech should enjoy!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1059823-a-pirates-life-for-me/chapter/1059825/

Worldbuilding and Publishing

                     Worldbuilding is hard. It doesn't come naturally to me. It's part of why I was so devastated to not be allowed to write for the BattleTech universe, there was already a 40-year-old world built for me to tell stories in. Moving on from that in terms of writing was hard, but it had to be done.

                    I started with just writing basically Battletech with the serial numbers scratched off, and that made it a bit easier. Change names and places and you can write the same story. But the more I'm writing in the Po Ding universe, the more I'm getting away from Battletech in creative ways and finding creative freedom. It has been empowering and good for my mental health

                    I still hope to write for the Battletech Universe someday, but I know I can co-exist in more than one world. I can still have my BattleTech friends and play in that universe while telling stories in another, and I have many stories to tell.

                    Now I find myself struggling with determining what to do with these stories. There are several routes, from traditional to self-publishing, and each has its advantages and pitfalls. I am navigating This huge new world, and I'm leaning a lot on my friends to help me out in it. You know who you are.

                    I hope that those of you who have stuck around and read my stuff will continue with me on this journey to tell the stories I want to tell, and I hope that you will enjoy them along the way.

The Very Long Night of Po Ding...

                     I'm sitting here at my keyboard, desperately trying to come up with words to describe how I feel right now and failing. I feel empty, lost, alone. In Battletech, you always hear of how disorienting it is to make a K-F jump. I guess it feels a little like that. To have everything you wanted and hoped for ripped away in the blink of an eye.

                    I've played in this universe since I was 8 or 9 years old, and I'm now in my forties. I've never felt so rejected in this universe before. This is on par with losing a relationship or something of that sort. Or losing a dear friend. Is losing a dream any less valid? I sometimes wish I had never dreamed of it at all, so I could not feel this level of disappointment, sadness, and loss.

                    I know some would say "Just go write in another universe" But those other universes don't have the pull of Battletech for me. They don't have the experience of getting that first Ral Partha Phoenix Hawk mini from my older brother-in-law and guiding its adventures through the universe based on reading and re-reading the Grey Death Trilogy, making my own characters to flesh out the pages of the old Camo Specs book, or practicing math by homebrewing different variants from the dilapidated old copy of TRO 3050 that I still own to this day.

                    None of those universes have seen me through the struggles with my own gender identity or struggles with mental health issues. None of those other universes have been my escape when I felt alone and afraid in the world. And none of them can take the place in my heart or my imagination that Battletech can.

                    I don't know how to move forward and move on. I don't know what direction to go in. I just don't know. I just wish this night would end and there could be morning again. I just wish this night would end....

I am so lost...

                     How can this happen? How can I go from riding an absolute high to fucking crashing and burning? Just this morning I had so many hopes and dreams. I had a plan, I was on top of the world until it all fell apart.

                    Now I find myself rudderless. What is the meaning of any of it? Why should I wake up tomorrow and write fanfiction? Why should I paint minis? Why should I play the game? Where is the joy in any of it? Where is the spark? What is the point of any of it?

                    I honestly don't know where to go from here. My passion is gone. I am a wreck. How do I pick up the pieces?

And All My Dreams Torn Asunder...

         And just like that, in the span of a few minutes, it's all gone. All of it is gone. All my dreams and hopes for the future moving forward are dashed and there is no getting them back. The pain right now is raw and visceral. My dream of writing for Battletech is dead.

         I don't even know where to start picking up the pieces. I don't know where to go from here. My fanfiction, painting minis, going to a con someday, it's all so useless now. What is the point of any of it? What's the point of Battletech anymore?

A few thoughts on setting goals...

                     This is just a musing post, nothing of interest really. I just wanted to get some thoughts down on paper about what has gone on in the past week or so. This past week was Kerensky Con and Adepticon, two of the premier conventions in the Battletech Sphere. Between content creators like Big Red and Catalysts' own live streams, there was a sense of immersion in the fandom that I'd not gotten before. Sure, I knew the players, but it didn't quite gel until this week what a truly great community we have.

                    Seeing some of my heroes like Bryan Young and Jason Hansa there solidified it for me. This is something that I want more than ever. I have made my share of mistakes, and I am still dealing with them, but part of that is moving forward constructively and setting goals. And my goals now are clear. I want to be a part of that. I want to write for the Battletech universe again. I want to belong. 

                    All of this will take lots of effort and a lot of soul-searching, but I've found my community, now I just need to become a part of it. I hope that you will join me on this journey as I can't do it alone. I have to mend fences and build bridges, and that will take a lot of hard work and humbling myself to make it happen. But I will make it happen.

                    I'm setting this goal for myself and calling myself out publicly to work towards it. I hope that people will read this and realize that I am genuine in my desires and goals, and want to work through my past. I'm an open book in this regard, and I hope there will be a bright future for me on this journey. 

Musings With Jade and Max...

Cumberland

Caripare

Irece Prefecture

Draconis Combine

24 November 3152 

                    Po Ding stood behind Jade Takahashi and wrapped his arms around her, letting his hands come to rest around the subtle bump on her belly, where even now, his child was growing. He savored the crisp air of the gardens and was even more taken in with the grace and serenity that Jade displayed.

                    "This place is so peaceful. To think, this is where things all began," he said.

                    "Fitting then that we should come here to discuss how things will unfold, is it not?" she asked of him.

                    Po took in a deep breath before responding. "There is much to discuss. And while the choices are yours, do not think that the burden is yours alone. I will support you through whatever we decide."

                    He felt her move subtly in his embrace. "I know you will, Po Ding. I have never had any doubts about that. There are so many variables, it boggles the mind."

                    Po nodded. "You wish to raise the child, yes?"

                    She took one of his hands in hers and kissed it softly. "Children, yes. I am carrying twins."

                    Po waited a few moments before responding. "You are a career officer in the DCMS. I would not ask you to give that up. What are the options presented to us?"

                    "My parents could raise them on Luthien. My family is a wealthy one, with great influence in the Combine. They would be provided for most handsomely. The fear, of course, is that Luthien is a dangerous place. Even now the Rasalhague Dominion strikes towards the capitol."

                    Po nodded. "We could raise them on Harloc. I have no family there but the House, but they would be raised well. They would be the children of a Mandrinn. Their citizenship would be virtually assured, as would their safety. It is the life I was raised in. I would not hesitate to give it to my children."

                    Jade closed her eyes. "Either way, I would see them hardly at all. But you are right, I am a career officer and I wish to continue on that path. I feel as though Harloc is the better option. They would be raised as nobility."

                    Po smiled gently. "My fief is a small one on Harloc, but significant nonetheless. And you would be welcome there any time you should choose to visit. If you have leave for the birth of the children, we could take you there so you could deliver them in comfort and security."

                    "I do have leave. Once I become unable to perform my duties, I will be granted leave until such time as I am ready to resume them. That grants me the chance to take this trip to Harloc, and I confess, I am looking forward to it. Not only for the children but for my own selfish reasons, that I will get to spend time with you. We will often be apart, we should savor the time that we have."

                    Po squeezed her tightly and spun her around before dropping to his knees. "Be my bride, Jade Takahashi? It is perhaps not the wedding you may have dreamed of as a child, but you would do me a great honor to become my wife. It would also grant you certain privileges on Harloc and within the Confederation. It is a small token, I understand this, but it, and myself, is all I have to offer you."

                    Jade bid him to rise. "You offer more than enough in just yourself, Po Ding. I have been reading your teachings, and have come to value your focus on harmony very much. It would be harmonious if I were to become your wife, and I gladly accept. I fear that we will have precious few moments together, but I can think of no other that I would rather be wed to."

                    Po kissed her deeply. He was still amazed that this graceful and wonderful creature would choose to share some of her life with him, much less that they would have children together. "Everything is settled then. We can leave for Harloc as soon as you deem it fit."

                    She smiled at him. "There are a few details that I must attend to here. I will have to clear all of this with my new commander. And I must set things right with my battalion. But that is for tomorrow. For tonight, come and be mine, Po Ding."

######

                    Po Ding climbed delicately out of the bed so as not to disturb the peaceful visage that was Jade sleeping. It brought him so much pleasure to be with her, that he thought it almost unfair that the universe had dropped such a creature into his life. He was bound and determined to do right by her, and their children, no matter the cost.

                    He dressed in a heavy robe to protect against the frigid night air and made his way once more to the gardens. He found them peaceful and serene, somewhat reminiscent of his gardens on Harloc. While these paled in comparison to his own, this place would forever have special meaning to him as it brought Jade into his life.

                    His musings we interrupted by a shuffling sound behind him. He turned and saw his friend, Max, walking towards him. 

                    "Unable to sleep, Master Po?"

                    Po nodded. "Just Po here, Max. This is so like home, isn't it?"

                    Max shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps. But it is not home. Perhaps that is why you cannot sleep? Or is there something on your mind?"

                    Po inhaled deeply of the crisp winter air. "As always, you are most astute and attuned to my state of mind, Max. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you. Seeing you injured was most disturbing. I trust you are healing well?"

                    Max nodded. "Well, enough. I will be back in the saddle as they say, in no time. And yet this is not what bothers you, is it, my friend?" 

                    Po sighed softly. "No. There is so much change. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tonight I learned that I will be a father twice over. And I also managed to get the delicate flower that is Jade to agree to be my bride. Much is falling into place, and yet I worry, what will the universe deliver to me to counteract this deluge of happiness?"

                    Max stepped forward and hugged his friend. "Congratulations, Po. On all accounts. You are indeed a lucky man. But do not let your worries tarnish your bliss. Perhaps the universe will see fit to hit you with some challenges to balance out this wondrousness. But that is for another time. For now, embrace the bliss that you have been given. I have never seen you so happy."

                    "Thank you, my friend. I should also mention that we will be going home in short order. Jade and I have decided that our children should be born and raised on Harloc. She has a few duties to perform, but upon completion of them, she will be joining us on our way home."

                    Max smiled and nodded. "Will she be joining the House?"

                    Po shook his head. "No. She is a career officer serving the Dragon and wishes to continue to do so. I would not ask her to give that up for anything."

                    Max cocked his head slightly to the side. "Perhaps that is the other shoe whose dropping you anticipate. You have this happiness now, but ultimately you two will spend much of your lives apart, it would seem. That is a heavy price to pay. I think the universe will be happy with its balance sheet."

                    "You are correct of course. Balance in all things. Too much of a good thing would not be harmonious, and in time I should come to take it for granted. This is the path of Po Ding."

                    Max put a hand on Po's shoulder. "And I, we, the House, will be with you through it all. Never doubt that. We follow the path of Po Ding. But for now, enjoy that it is a happy and glorious one."