The Very Long Night of Po Ding...

                     I'm sitting here at my keyboard, desperately trying to come up with words to describe how I feel right now and failing. I feel empty, lost, alone. In Battletech, you always hear of how disorienting it is to make a K-F jump. I guess it feels a little like that. To have everything you wanted and hoped for ripped away in the blink of an eye.

                    I've played in this universe since I was 8 or 9 years old, and I'm now in my forties. I've never felt so rejected in this universe before. This is on par with losing a relationship or something of that sort. Or losing a dear friend. Is losing a dream any less valid? I sometimes wish I had never dreamed of it at all, so I could not feel this level of disappointment, sadness, and loss.

                    I know some would say "Just go write in another universe" But those other universes don't have the pull of Battletech for me. They don't have the experience of getting that first Ral Partha Phoenix Hawk mini from my older brother-in-law and guiding its adventures through the universe based on reading and re-reading the Grey Death Trilogy, making my own characters to flesh out the pages of the old Camo Specs book, or practicing math by homebrewing different variants from the dilapidated old copy of TRO 3050 that I still own to this day.

                    None of those universes have seen me through the struggles with my own gender identity or struggles with mental health issues. None of those other universes have been my escape when I felt alone and afraid in the world. And none of them can take the place in my heart or my imagination that Battletech can.

                    I don't know how to move forward and move on. I don't know what direction to go in. I just don't know. I just wish this night would end and there could be morning again. I just wish this night would end....

I am so lost...

                     How can this happen? How can I go from riding an absolute high to fucking crashing and burning? Just this morning I had so many hopes and dreams. I had a plan, I was on top of the world until it all fell apart.

                    Now I find myself rudderless. What is the meaning of any of it? Why should I wake up tomorrow and write fanfiction? Why should I paint minis? Why should I play the game? Where is the joy in any of it? Where is the spark? What is the point of any of it?

                    I honestly don't know where to go from here. My passion is gone. I am a wreck. How do I pick up the pieces?

And All My Dreams Torn Asunder...

         And just like that, in the span of a few minutes, it's all gone. All of it is gone. All my dreams and hopes for the future moving forward are dashed and there is no getting them back. The pain right now is raw and visceral. My dream of writing for Battletech is dead.

         I don't even know where to start picking up the pieces. I don't know where to go from here. My fanfiction, painting minis, going to a con someday, it's all so useless now. What is the point of any of it? What's the point of Battletech anymore?

A few thoughts on setting goals...

                     This is just a musing post, nothing of interest really. I just wanted to get some thoughts down on paper about what has gone on in the past week or so. This past week was Kerensky Con and Adepticon, two of the premier conventions in the Battletech Sphere. Between content creators like Big Red and Catalysts' own live streams, there was a sense of immersion in the fandom that I'd not gotten before. Sure, I knew the players, but it didn't quite gel until this week what a truly great community we have.

                    Seeing some of my heroes like Bryan Young and Jason Hansa there solidified it for me. This is something that I want more than ever. I have made my share of mistakes, and I am still dealing with them, but part of that is moving forward constructively and setting goals. And my goals now are clear. I want to be a part of that. I want to write for the Battletech universe again. I want to belong. 

                    All of this will take lots of effort and a lot of soul-searching, but I've found my community, now I just need to become a part of it. I hope that you will join me on this journey as I can't do it alone. I have to mend fences and build bridges, and that will take a lot of hard work and humbling myself to make it happen. But I will make it happen.

                    I'm setting this goal for myself and calling myself out publicly to work towards it. I hope that people will read this and realize that I am genuine in my desires and goals, and want to work through my past. I'm an open book in this regard, and I hope there will be a bright future for me on this journey. 

Musings With Jade and Max...

Cumberland

Caripare

Irece Prefecture

Draconis Combine

24 November 3152 

                    Po Ding stood behind Jade Takahashi and wrapped his arms around her, letting his hands come to rest around the subtle bump on her belly, where even now, his child was growing. He savored the crisp air of the gardens and was even more taken in with the grace and serenity that Jade displayed.

                    "This place is so peaceful. To think, this is where things all began," he said.

                    "Fitting then that we should come here to discuss how things will unfold, is it not?" she asked of him.

                    Po took in a deep breath before responding. "There is much to discuss. And while the choices are yours, do not think that the burden is yours alone. I will support you through whatever we decide."

                    He felt her move subtly in his embrace. "I know you will, Po Ding. I have never had any doubts about that. There are so many variables, it boggles the mind."

                    Po nodded. "You wish to raise the child, yes?"

                    She took one of his hands in hers and kissed it softly. "Children, yes. I am carrying twins."

                    Po waited a few moments before responding. "You are a career officer in the DCMS. I would not ask you to give that up. What are the options presented to us?"

                    "My parents could raise them on Luthien. My family is a wealthy one, with great influence in the Combine. They would be provided for most handsomely. The fear, of course, is that Luthien is a dangerous place. Even now the Rasalhague Dominion strikes towards the capitol."

                    Po nodded. "We could raise them on Harloc. I have no family there but the House, but they would be raised well. They would be the children of a Mandrinn. Their citizenship would be virtually assured, as would their safety. It is the life I was raised in. I would not hesitate to give it to my children."

                    Jade closed her eyes. "Either way, I would see them hardly at all. But you are right, I am a career officer and I wish to continue on that path. I feel as though Harloc is the better option. They would be raised as nobility."

                    Po smiled gently. "My fief is a small one on Harloc, but significant nonetheless. And you would be welcome there any time you should choose to visit. If you have leave for the birth of the children, we could take you there so you could deliver them in comfort and security."

                    "I do have leave. Once I become unable to perform my duties, I will be granted leave until such time as I am ready to resume them. That grants me the chance to take this trip to Harloc, and I confess, I am looking forward to it. Not only for the children but for my own selfish reasons, that I will get to spend time with you. We will often be apart, we should savor the time that we have."

                    Po squeezed her tightly and spun her around before dropping to his knees. "Be my bride, Jade Takahashi? It is perhaps not the wedding you may have dreamed of as a child, but you would do me a great honor to become my wife. It would also grant you certain privileges on Harloc and within the Confederation. It is a small token, I understand this, but it, and myself, is all I have to offer you."

                    Jade bid him to rise. "You offer more than enough in just yourself, Po Ding. I have been reading your teachings, and have come to value your focus on harmony very much. It would be harmonious if I were to become your wife, and I gladly accept. I fear that we will have precious few moments together, but I can think of no other that I would rather be wed to."

                    Po kissed her deeply. He was still amazed that this graceful and wonderful creature would choose to share some of her life with him, much less that they would have children together. "Everything is settled then. We can leave for Harloc as soon as you deem it fit."

                    She smiled at him. "There are a few details that I must attend to here. I will have to clear all of this with my new commander. And I must set things right with my battalion. But that is for tomorrow. For tonight, come and be mine, Po Ding."

######

                    Po Ding climbed delicately out of the bed so as not to disturb the peaceful visage that was Jade sleeping. It brought him so much pleasure to be with her, that he thought it almost unfair that the universe had dropped such a creature into his life. He was bound and determined to do right by her, and their children, no matter the cost.

                    He dressed in a heavy robe to protect against the frigid night air and made his way once more to the gardens. He found them peaceful and serene, somewhat reminiscent of his gardens on Harloc. While these paled in comparison to his own, this place would forever have special meaning to him as it brought Jade into his life.

                    His musings we interrupted by a shuffling sound behind him. He turned and saw his friend, Max, walking towards him. 

                    "Unable to sleep, Master Po?"

                    Po nodded. "Just Po here, Max. This is so like home, isn't it?"

                    Max shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps. But it is not home. Perhaps that is why you cannot sleep? Or is there something on your mind?"

                    Po inhaled deeply of the crisp winter air. "As always, you are most astute and attuned to my state of mind, Max. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you. Seeing you injured was most disturbing. I trust you are healing well?"

                    Max nodded. "Well, enough. I will be back in the saddle as they say, in no time. And yet this is not what bothers you, is it, my friend?" 

                    Po sighed softly. "No. There is so much change. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tonight I learned that I will be a father twice over. And I also managed to get the delicate flower that is Jade to agree to be my bride. Much is falling into place, and yet I worry, what will the universe deliver to me to counteract this deluge of happiness?"

                    Max stepped forward and hugged his friend. "Congratulations, Po. On all accounts. You are indeed a lucky man. But do not let your worries tarnish your bliss. Perhaps the universe will see fit to hit you with some challenges to balance out this wondrousness. But that is for another time. For now, embrace the bliss that you have been given. I have never seen you so happy."

                    "Thank you, my friend. I should also mention that we will be going home in short order. Jade and I have decided that our children should be born and raised on Harloc. She has a few duties to perform, but upon completion of them, she will be joining us on our way home."

                    Max smiled and nodded. "Will she be joining the House?"

                    Po shook his head. "No. She is a career officer serving the Dragon and wishes to continue to do so. I would not ask her to give that up for anything."

                    Max cocked his head slightly to the side. "Perhaps that is the other shoe whose dropping you anticipate. You have this happiness now, but ultimately you two will spend much of your lives apart, it would seem. That is a heavy price to pay. I think the universe will be happy with its balance sheet."

                    "You are correct of course. Balance in all things. Too much of a good thing would not be harmonious, and in time I should come to take it for granted. This is the path of Po Ding."

                    Max put a hand on Po's shoulder. "And I, we, the House, will be with you through it all. Never doubt that. We follow the path of Po Ding. But for now, enjoy that it is a happy and glorious one." 

Dueling Goro...

Isoroku Proving Grounds

Caripare

Irece Prefecture

Draconis Combine

23 November 3152 

                    Po Ding stood at the foot of his Jade Phoenix with his friends gathered around him. Max was still recovering from his injuries, but would soon be back in the cockpit. Jade Takahashi looked graceful as ever, even though she stood with her hands on her hips and a look of concern on her face. 

                    "You do not need to do this, Po Ding. There must be some other way."

                    Po sighed. "We have been over this. There is no alternative but for me to best Goro in battle. He will not be denied otherwise. Have no fear, I can best him."

                    Max stepped up. "I know there is no way for me to dissuade you, Po, so I will wish you luck, my friend. Be wise, be mobile, you will carry the day."

                    Po turned back to Jade. "Know that I am not doing this for myself, but for you and for our child. I will be thinking of the both of you as I take the fight to this villain."

                    Jade kissed him on the cheek. "Think only of the fight. Stay focused. You will need all of your skill and concentration to best Goro. Focus on victory, and we will see you on the other side of the fight."

                    With that, Po turned and climbed up to his cockpit. He climbed in and sealed the hatch behind him. He quickly went through the startup routine for his Mech, securing his cooling vest and neurohelmet while his machine came to life.

                    The battle was taking place on the planetary proving grounds, a place where warriors could attempt to show their prowess to join the DCMS. The fields consisted of a vast open wilderness, with an urban setup in the center. It was around these buildings that Po and Tai-sa Okamoto Goro would face off and decide their fates.

                    Po brought his machine up to a walk, making slow progress towards the urban area of the grounds. No doubt the Tai-sa was doing the same, working his way towards the field of combat. Po had no doubt that he could best Goro, but it would take all of his skill and abilities to do so.

                    "I look forward to ending you, Po Ding!"  Goro's voice came over an open channel.

                    "Balance in all things, Okamoto Goro. You are bringing unbalanced conflict to the world. It must stop."

                    "It will stop when I put an end to you and your dishonorable offspring."

                    Po sighted Goro's Gunslinger moving out of some trees up ahead. He triggered a blast from his HAG, and a few slugs found their mark on Mech's left leg. Goro responded with his twin Gauss Rifles, but both shots flew high of their mark.

                    Po brought his machine up to a run, seeking to close the distance and bring all of his weapons into range. Once the range closed to under six hundred meters, he pulled into his main triggers. His Large Pulse Laser nibbled armor from the Gunslinger's torso, while his HAG rounds peppered the left leg again. Most importantly, his Plasma Cannon struck home, transferring immense heat onto the target. 

                    Goro responded with his full arsenal, both Gauss slugs smashing into his chest armor. His lasers missed their mark and Po continued his charge forward.

                    Goro slowed his advance, trying to take more careful aim. Po would not oblige him, triggering his Jump Jets and landing on top of a double-story building. He took aim once again, firing off his Large Pulse Laser and HAG. The laser stripped more armor from the Gunslinger's leg, while his HAG slugs landed on target on the enemy's torso. He was not doing as much damage as he normally would due to the Gunslinger's  Ballistic Reinforced Armor. It was going to be a long slog. His only chance was to remain mobile and keep peppering away at his opponent. 

                    He jetted again just as Goro opened fire, and he managed to avoid all but a single Gauss slug. It was not enough to knock him off course, and he landed atop another building. Steadying himself, he fired again, this time connecting with all of his shots on the enemy's right arm. The lasers opened up the armor, and his HAG slugs rammed into the opening, shattering the charging coils for the Gauss Rifle mounted there.

                    He triggered his Plasma Cannon as an afterthought, imparting more heat onto his opponent, who already seemed to be struggling with heat. His shots were now missing wildly.

                    Po responded with another blast from his HAG, peppering the left leg once again, finally starting to make a dent in the armor there. Po decided that it was time to move and did not shoot any of his other weapons, deciding to keep his heat under control. He hit the jump jet pedals and lifted off back toward the building he had previously been on. 

                    He had a weak spot now to aim for, and he fired his pulse laser off, aiming for the left leg, and connecting just below the knee. The laser cut into the joint, fusing the actuator in place. He followed up with a storm of HAG shells which snapped the limb clean off, and the 'Mech fell to the ground, slamming onto its already damaged arm and collapsing that limb as well.

                    "You are done, Okamoto Goro. Yield." He called over an open channel.

                    "Never, Po Ding!" 

                    Goro propped his mech up and fired his torso lasers, coring into Po's chest armor. Waste heat dumped into his cockpit as his engine shielding was nicked. Knowing that he had to finish this fight, he pulled into his triggers, risking the additional heat. 

                    His lasers cored the last of the armor from the lower portion of the Gunslinger's torso. Seeing an opening, Po Fired his HAG, sending hypersonic slugs into the hole his lasers had opened and smashing the gyroscope to pieces inside.

                    Po triggered his jump jets once again, this time landing at the feet of the fallen enemy 'Mech. He saw the mech's canopy pop open, and Goro emerged, carrying his twin samurai swords. Without saying a word, he took the smaller of the swords and plunged it into his belly, making a left-to-right cut and then a return cut in a crude form of seppuku. 

                    Po remained silent as the man bent over in pain. He had chosen this fate for himself. There was nothing to be done but to let him die. After a time, several trucks wheeled up to the scene. A team of medics rushed to the fallen Tai-sa. He had passed by the time they arrived. One of the other trucks pulled up to Po's feet, and he saw Max and Jade jump out of the cab.

                    He cracked his canopy and carefully climbed down to meet them. Jade rushed up to him and embraced him. Max followed closely behind. "I am happy to see you, Po Ding! Watching that fight was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life."

                    "I told you I would prevail. It is done. Let us get out of here."

                    Max stepped up. "There is much for you two to discuss. I will take care of things here. Go and do what needs to be done."

                    Po put a hand on Max's shoulder. "Thank you, my friend. Thank you for everything."

                    With that, they left on their way. There was much for them to consider. Everything had changed.

A Duel of Life and Death...

Cumberland

Caripare

Irece Prefecture

Draconis Combine

18 November 3152 

                    Sho-sa Jade Takahashi sat at her desk, trying in vain to concentrate on the stack of readiness reports in front of her. She had difficulty concentrating of late, with so much on her mind. She was now nearly three months pregnant, and things would soon be coming to a head. She had no word from Po Ding, and the decisions to come were likely going to fall on her shoulders.

                    Frustrated, she put down the report in her hand and leaned back in her chair. She picked up her noteputer and thumbed it to life. There was the daily news on Caripare, which she found dreadfully dull even at the best of times. There were reports from the front, where the Rasalhague Dominion was striking out at more targets in Combine space, making a play to even threaten Luthien itself. Luthien, in addition to being the capitol of the Combine, was also her home, and her parents still lived there, her father running a minor defense industry conglomerate.

                    She paged down to the system traffic, and something caught her eye. There was a report of a neutral flagged Jumpship that had jumped in system and disembarked a DropShip towards the surface. The DropShip was none other than one that had come to Caripare a scant few months prior in a raid. Her heart jumped into her throat. Po Ding was here!

                    She had no time to savor the news, however, as her comm system buzzed to life. It was Tai-sa Okamoto Goro. "Sho-sa. I require your presence in my office immediately. No delays!"

                    "Hai, Tai-sa. I will be there shortly."

                    This could not be good. No news from the Tai-sa was good news these days. He had soured on her even more since the incident with Po Ding, and he took every chance he could to expose her to his wrath. With a sigh, she stood up, checked her uniform for correctness and neatness, and began the walk to Goro's office.

                    She did not even need to knock, a guard at the door opened it for her and she entered. She saluted her superior smartly, but even then could see the look of anger on his face. He returned her salute curtly before picking up a file and throwing it on the desk in front of where he was seated. He stood slowly and deliberately.

                    "You know why I have called you here?"

                    She shook her head. "No, Tai-sa. I have no idea."

                    She glanced down at the file he had thrown, but could not make out any details from this distance.

                    "This is your medical fitness and readiness report. Ordinarily I do not concern myself with such things, but I noted you have twice visited the medical bay and I became curious as to why. You know why?"

                    Her mind was racing, but she did not respond.

                    He slammed his fist down on the table. "Have you no shame?! You bring dishonor upon yourself and this entire unit. You have whored yourself out to the Capellan Mercenary, haven't you?!"

                    Anger began to rise in her chest, but she said nothing.

                    He picked up the file and read it aloud. "The report does not lie. The timing is right. You dishonored yourself with that Liao sellsword. You cannot deny it!"

                    Her anger burst forth. "This is none of your business. This is my concern!"

                    "No, you are one of my officers, and a servant of the Dragon. You are duty bound to comport yourself with honor and dignity. None of that is in line with spreading your legs for that Mercenary filth!"

                    "It is true, Po Ding is the father. But that is none of your concern. How I comport myself and my honor are none of your business. You are simply jealous and seek to vent your anger on me. I will not have it!"

                    Goro was seething with anger. "It is very much my concern when you stain the honor of this unit. This is the Sword of Light. We are the pillars of society. And you act like a common whore! Were these the days of the great Takashi Kurita and his elders, I would ask you to commit seppuku and rid the unit of your dishonor. But these are not the good old days. We will have to bear this dishonor and shame. Naturally, you will terminate the pregnancy."

                    She locked eyes with Goro. "I will not. You have no power over me in this regard. Even now, Po Ding has arrived to take responsibility for this situation."

                    Goro threw the file onto the ground. "Po Ding is coming here?!"

                    She smiled. "Yes. He is twice the man you are, Okamoto Goro. He comports himself with honor."

                    "He is not welcome. This will end badly for you both!"

                     "Welcome or not, he is coming. And he and I will decide the fate of our child, not you."

                    Goro threw up his hands. "Your career is over! You are lucky to escape this dishonor with your life! Get out of my sight!"

                    With that, she turned and left, fuming with anger.

                    ######

Cumberland

Caripare

Irece Prefecture

Draconis Combine

23 November 3152 

                    Po Ding entered the gardens where only months before he had walked with Jade Takahashi on a summer's night. Now the cold of winter had settled onto the gardens, a gentle snow having recently fallen. The plants were in decline, hibernating for the winter, and the air was crisp.

                    He saw Jade standing there, dressed informally in a heavy kimono rather than the Combine uniform he was used to seeing her in. She nonetheless looked radiant and graceful as ever. He made his way over to her and embraced her in his arms. 

                    "Apologies for the delay in my arrival. I came as quickly as I could. I trust all is well with you?"

                    She buried herself in his chest. "All will be well now, Po Ding. I did not expect you to come. I thought perhaps a message, but your arrival is most welcome. Things have taken on complications."

                    "Your child?"

                    She shook her head. "No. Our child is fine. The doctors assure me that all is well. But we have much to discuss. I have put off the decision as long as possible, for I would know your thoughts. Do you wish to have the child?"

                    He breathed deeply. "The decision is not mine. Only you can decide what is right for you. But know that I will stand with you no matter what you decide. I would welcome the child as a blessing, but I am not the one carrying it. Ultimately, what you wish is what must be done."

                    "I have never before considered being a mother, but now that it is thrust upon me, I find myself wishing to embrace it. But there are so many complications. How will the child be raised. My parents are on Luthien, but your home is on Harloc."

                    He pressed a finger to her lips. "All of that can be decided later. If you wish to embrace it, then you will have me at your side the entire way."

                    She kissed him gently. "Then the decision is made. But there are further complications. My Tai-sa, Okamoto Goro has learned of my condition and demands that I terminate the pregnancy. He says I have brought dishonor upon the entire unit."

                    Po bristled at the thought. "He has no right to speak of dishonor. I will speak to him and settle this matter."

                    "That can only end badly, Po. He is mad with jealousy. He says you are unwelcome here on Caripare."

                    "We shall see about that. But for now, calm yourself, Jade. This should be a blessed time for you, not one of anxiety. I will handle everything."

                    "For now, just hold me, Po Ding."

######

                        Po Ding burst through the door to the office of Tai-sa Okamoto Goro. The man leapt from his chair. "What is the meaning of this, Po Ding?! You are not welcome here. I should have you shot!"

                    "Of course you would resort to that. You are a coward, Okamoto Goro. You talk of honor and dignity, yet you threaten women with child?"

                    "I am not the one bringing dishonor to daughters of the Dragon! But I should expect no more from a filthy Capellan lucre warrior. Tell me, what was her price?" Goro was now equal parts rage and disdain.

                    "You go too far, Goro! Now who is bringing dishonor to a daughter of the Dragon? Your words are meaningless." Po responded.

                    "Enough of this, Po Ding! Be gone. And be thankful these are not the old days of the Combine. Death to Mercenaries was perhaps the right policy! In the golden days of the Dragon, I would kill you on the field of battle!

                    Po stepped forward. "Let these be like your golden days. Or are you too much of a coward to face me?"

                    "Very well! We shall have it your way, mercenary. You and I shall meet on the field of battle, and you will not survive your insolence!"

                    "You have but to name the time and place. I will be there to end this foolishness, Okamoto Goro!"

                    Goro smiled with pleasure. "Tomorrow. Noon. On the proving grounds north of the city. We shall assemble a crowd to watch your demise. And after I kill you, you have my word, honor will be restored and your bastard child will never see the light of day! I will demand that Jade Takahashi undergo seppuku for her dishonor of the regiment."

                    Po replied calmly. "You are a fool, Goro. And you will die a fool's death. Tomorrow it is."

######

                    "Are you crazy, Po Ding? You cannot go through with this."

                    Po shook his head as he looked at Jade Takahashi. "I am not crazy. And I must go through with this. He has both stained your honor and threatened our child. This I will not have. I must put a stop to this madness."

                    "This is not your fight, Po. Let me fight him instead." She pleaded.

                    "No, that is not possible. You are his subordinate officer. This is not the Clans, you cannot simply fight with your superior. But he is the highest ranking military officer on this planet, and I am a Mandrinn of House Liao. I am more than his equal in standing, and have every right to challenge his foolishness. And I will, both for the sake of your honor, and for the life of our child. If you still wish to bear it?"

                    She put her hand on his chest. "I do wish to bear it. But I do not wish to lose you. Not to this foolishness."

                    "If I lose, he will demand seppuku of you. I do not know Combine law, but I believe that he would be within his rights. But fear not, for I shall not lose. This is not the way of Po Ding. Balance must and will be restored."