Meeting Katie: Why I Love the Battletech Fictional Universe

    So, a few days ago, I wrote a piece about my first exposure to Battletech. Everyone knows I’m a Battletech junkie. The franchise is a huge part of my life and I love the sandbox that it gives me to play in. As a brand, the Battletech universe has been growing more diverse and wonderful as the years have gone on. These are things I felt very assured of. But today, I had that viewpoint framed, highlighted, slammed into focus and illuminated in spotlights.

        I’ve been inching through the latest issue (#3) of Shrapnel, Battletech’s new magazine that shares stories, in-universe articles, scenarios, item tidbits and more. There’s a lot of great content in there, some of it serialized, most of it stand-alone and this most recent issue dropped as a bit of a surprise to me. It’s the holidays, and I’ve had a lot going on, so it’s been a nice well that I could dip into a little bit at a time for a quick fix of new BattleTech material. So here I was on Monday night, done with work for the day, finished with dinner, having sat down for a few frustrating matches of MWO to claim my holiday loot, and finally switching on the Patriots game to hope against all odds that maybe the horror of the 2020 season for the New England Patriots had come to an end.

Well, Cam Newton and the Patriots certainly didn’t disappoint, they were getting pretty badly shellacked. Sophie was at her laptop, headphones on over her cyberlox, bopping away while writing some tedious piece of paperwork for the lab. So I picked up my phone, tapped open the Kindle App, and opened up Shrapnel, which I was almost done with. There was just one story left, "The Secret Fox" by Bryan Young. It was set in 3143, and while I love the new material, something about the Dark Ages still puts them slightly behind the other Battletech eras in my mind. But Bryan Young is one of the best of the newer author’s in the stable right now, so I went in with reasonably high expectations that I would like this one.

    I started reading the story, set in the almost-periphery of the Lyran Commonwealth. It told the tale of a young woman named Katie who had dreams of becoming a MechWarrior while stuck out on the ass-end of the Inner Sphere. There was talk of AgroMechs, and for a split second, I had visions of the early MWDA novels come to life again. But I kept reading because I wanted to find out what the deal was with Katie. What was her story? What was her tiny piece of the massive Battletech puzzle? So I read on. And in almost no time, I found myself enthralled with this character. She was a girl with big dreams that seemed to be so far out of reach that they could never come true, but she still lived on those dreams with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. The universe might tell her that she couldn’t have what she wanted, but she smiled and kept on dreaming about it in that way that said she still believed in her heart that her dream could come true. By the time a few more pages had turned, I found myself riding over her shoulder, watching her daydreaming and hoping against hope that this girl would have her dreams come true. In the matter of a few short pages, I had gone from tentatively hoping that an interesting story was about to unfold to clutching my phone tightly, willing this girl along in her journey. And she hadn’t even found a real mech yet. 

    I won’t spoil the story for you, but suffice it to say that as the story unfolded, I found myself cheering her on, feeling her sense of accomplishment, and hoping against odds that she was going to make amazing things happen. And she did. By the time I was finished, I was so connected and so in love with this character in a way that I have seldom, if ever, before found myself. She was so sweet and so dynamic, and just so plain real that I couldn’t get over it. I read a lot of fiction, and I rarely, if ever, get to a point of real connectedness with a character. Sure, I recognize them as good characters, see their strengths, root them on, but seldom do I genuinely feel for them in a way that makes them super relatable. I was getting emotional over a piece of writing. It has happened only a few times in my life as a reader. And boy did it happen here.

    And it happened because she was so real. She had so many little nuances and traits that I could relate to. I didn’t have to reimagine the character to something I could connect with, I could just genuinely connect with her as she was. And it dawned on me that this is exactly why we need diversity of characters and viewpoints in our stories. I get that MilSciFi tends to skew a certain way because of its audience in general. But there are so many different readers out there, and the more of us that can see characters in a universe that we can genuinely connect with, the greater the community becomes, and the more invested more people become in that community.

    I have always felt like I had a home in the Battletech universe, that there was a character out there that I could connect with and make real. It’s why I write my fanfiction, and it's why I play the game and roleplay characters in the universe. It’s a fun place for me to play around and explore ideas and themes and concepts in a way that vanilla reality never could offer. But now, having read this story, having met the character of Katie, it’s as though all of that has been reinforced and validated in a way that really touched me emotionally. It’s not often that I get that emotional response, and reading this story it was brought so far to the front. This story is why I love Battletech, because it’s a universe where Katies can have their stories told and people like me can find a real sense of a universe that accepts so much of what I am.

    More fiction should do this. This is what makes fiction a work of art, when it touches you the way that a piece of music or a beautiful painting does. This is what turns words on a page into literature, into something that is more than text, that is so very human. And this is where Battletech is going. I am beyond happy and excited about that. I really hope that some of you are too.

    If you haven’t gone out and bought Issue #3 of Shrapnel, do it. Read this piece. I know Katie won’t be as real for everyone as she was for me, but this is what good fiction done right is all about.

You can buy it on the Catalyst Game Labs Store or on Amazon for your Kindle.

 Musings on Female Hotness

So, I stumbled upon a Twitter post the other day in which a woman was pointing out the fact that so much of what we tend to view as a “hot” woman is wrapped up in concepts of age and youth. Why can't women over 25 be hot? she mused. The thread rightfully emerged as an empowering declaration for those of us who are over 25 and very much in tune with our hotness. Okay, that sounds a little haughty, but bear with me. It was a good thing, I promise.

My first reaction was “well of course women over 25 can be hot”, but when I began to unpack why that isn’t always the default reality in our culture, it made me think about a few things, and that’s why I’m here to spew my thoughts into print.

I started with the realization that so much of my self identity, comfort with myself, and the ability to think of myself in a positive way as attractive is wrapped up in my sexual orientation. The shift to viewing myself in a positive way is very much linked to my viewing myself from the perspective of being a woman and being ok with that. So much of the negative baggage that we, as women, put on ourselves in terms of physical attractiveness and beauty is caught up in the notions and sensibilities of the perceived straight male gaze. Society views everything by default through the lens of a straight male that we take on many of these viewpoints in our lives as a matter of course.

To illustrate my point, let me venture into the realm of erotica. There is no better example of the divergent viewpoints than looking at the difference between lesbian porn and lesbian erotica/romance. Take a cursory look into the world of lesbian porn, and you will see it is overwhelmingly tailored to the perceived straight male audience. The characters are mostly shallow, typically attractive in the culturally normal western stereotypical way, and above all...young. The mean point for lesbian porn is a couple of teens or twenty-somethings going at it in “scandalous” ways. The mean for lesbian erotica is certainly just as “scandalous” in terms of settings and plot, but the mean age skews WAY older. You don’t find novels or short stories about curious young lesbians much in erotica at all. The characters you find in lesbian romance and erotica are almost always older and more powerful, established in life with a career and all of that. The ideal of what is attractive is so much broader and involved than the purely physical that the physical characteristics of the characters are almost completely unimportant. The lust and desire come so much more from who the person is, not just their physical characteristics. You don’t get that in porn, because the perceived audience is so much different. Yes, I get that there are inherent differences between visual and print media, but those don’t wholly account for the differences that we see.

So what’s my point? I’m not sure I know. But I think the world would be a better place for all of us if we all were just a little more cognizant of our inner lesbian. :)

Faith Finds Battletech

   It dawned on me the other day that I've never really shared how I got into Battletech and what it was that drew me to the franchise to a point where twenty or more years later I am still just as enamored with the universe, if not more, than I was when I started.

    Let me start by saying that I'm just reaching that stage of life where things in my past, particularly in my childhood, aren't the crisp and precise recollections they once where, and are now slightly more fuzzy memories centered around the core of the events. So I no longer remember the exact day I discovered Battletech, or the building where I picked up the book, but the core memory is still intact and just as powerful at it's heart as it was then.

    What I do know for sure is that the Faith who discovered Battletech all those years ago is a comically different little girl from the person I am today. I discovered Battletech sometime around late middle school or early high school, I'm not precisely sure as to which. But the Faith that discovered this amazing universe was quite the firebrand at the time. I was at that stage where I was just discovering that there were schools of thought and patterns of ideas out there that seemed to be in reasonable agreement with all these fierce and strong viewpoints I was discovering that I held. I was discovering what it meant to be a feminist, and at the same time, I was struggling mightily with the torrent of emotions that floods a girl's world at that time of life, while at the same time, discovering that truth and rationality seemed important to me, even if it wasn't always easy to put those things into practice in my ever expanding world. I was a just-blossoming feminist and a fledgling skeptic, while still trying very much to have fun as a teen. I would hang out at the mall with my friends and laugh at silly things and pay attention to boys (I still very much had not begun to even start to come to grips with my sexuality at that point), and then I would come home and plop into bed to read a scathing feminist critique of this or that piece of literature, or pour over a science magazine reading about some new discovery and thinking how amazing it was that science was uncovering these things.

    And of course there was writing. I loved reading and writing from a young age, but in my formative years I really latched onto them as a way to explore the world around me and to grapple with all these competing ideas that were fighting for traction inside my young mind. This was the point in my life where I was becoming a literary snob. I would read works as much to tear them apart for their ideas as for their enjoyment. What I found was that I loved action and adventure, but I hated that the kind of action and adventure I seemed to like only seemed to happen to boys. Sure, there were plenty of girls in these stories, but they were always the sidekick, the helper, the mom, the prize at the end of the journey, etc. To add to that, I hated magic. As a young skeptic, I was convinced that fantasy, magic, and anything of the sort were just silly frivolities. I wanted adventure that, while not perhaps being realistic, was rooted in reality. I wanted new and cool and unique, but I didn't want magic or the force or fairies.

    And so this little girl found herself at some kind of large book exchange. I don't remember the specifics of it, I just remember going into a large building or gymnasium of some kind filled with books with the express purpose of finding one that I wanted to read and write a book report about what I found interesting about it. I think it was over the summer, and I'm pretty sure it was some kind of school project. Regardless, I dug through all kinds of books and cast them aside. They looked to be too centered on magic or too much of a fairy tale, or carried some other mark that disqualified them in my young mind. 

    And then I picked up Decision at Thunder Rift, by William H. Keith Jr. It was the original edition cover, with a Locust striding through an alley while a young blonde soldier hid from it, but not in a completely awestruck manner. I remember thinking it might be worth a shot. I loved the idea of giant robots or fighter planes, because they seemed to be a great gender equalizer. Girls could pilot a jet fighter or a big robot just as well as boys could, so that was cool. The problem, of course, was that most of this kind of mecha fiction was linked to anime, and I had very early on discovered that anime was filled with far too many gender stereotypes and tropes for my liking. But this one seemed to be outside of that realm just enough. There were no oddly proportioned robots, no doe-eyed girls in skirts shorter than my field hockey uniform blinking at the strangely triangular hero boy.

    So I gave it a shot. I picked it up and took it home as my choice for this project, and started reading. Now, as you can guess, it wasn't long before I was flinging the book across my bedroom and railing against the patriarchy. Who was this silly Lori Calmar woman, and why was she a weak-kneed trope of a figure. Why was she fluttering around like a fairy tale princess, pinning her existence on the up and down whims of a man who was practically her abuser?! I hated the book utterly. But as I stewed and fumed, something grabbed me. I hated the story, but I didn't necessarily hate the world. Sure, I had more problems with the story than I could count, but that was only because of how the writer told the story. There was nothing inherently sexist about the world. In fact, it seemed for all intents and purposes that the fictional world itself was just about as perfectly egalitarian as I could hope for. I began creating stories of cocky, stick-it-in-your-face MechWarrior women in this battlemech world, and they fit perfectly. They thrived in it. It was the perfect sandbox.

    From there, I was hooked. I got my dad to take me to some bookstores to ask questions, which led me to comic book stores, which led me to a gaming store, where I found this treasure trove in a back corner that had not only novels, but this thing called a Technical Readout and an early edition of the MechWarrior RPG. From then on, I was hooked forever. I sat at home modifying mechs with scrap paper for the heroines in the stories I wrote down on paper and played through in my mind. It wasn't long before I had legitimately gotten settled down with some actual tabletop rules, and those times that I couldn't twist my siblings arms into playing with me, I fought my own solitaire games with grand stories of the MechWarriors in my head.

     

        Fiona walked into the virtually silent mechbay aboard the Overlord-C class Starbird. They were burning in-system to Tukayyid and would be prepping for drop in a few hours. The command star and the first three Trinaries were aboard the Raptor, with the remaining 2 Trinaries and elementals aboard the Starbird. Most of the warriors were asleep at the moment, trying to catch some rest before the impending battle. She had tried to sleep, but the excitement, combined with the sense of dread she felt about the upcoming battle had overcome her will to relax and sleep.

        She had slipped on running shoes, leggings, and a tank top, and made her way down to the mechbay to look over her mech one last time before the fight. She had run into a few others who could not sleep, some were walking idly, some running laps to try to burn off the nervous energy. But when she had reached the mechbay, she had found it eerily quiet and empty, most of the lights and equipment running in low power mode.

        She made her way to her Hellbringer, and rested a hand against the cool metal of it's foot. It would be the first time she had ever taken the mech into battle, and it would easily be the biggest battle of her life.  Most were saying it was going to be the biggest battle since the days of the Liberation of Terra. Part of her had dreamed of being in a battle like this. But her youthful dreams of battle had usually consisted of some heroic stand against the villainous forces of the Dragon, defending Fed Suns worlds from slavery in the name of freedom. Now she found herself fighting for possession of Terra, against what basically amounted to the TeleCom company, beside the descendants of Kerensky himself to restore the Star League.

        Suddenly a voice broke her out of her reverie. "You give her a name yet?"

        She turned to see the diminutive form of her tech, Maddie, emerging from behind the other leg. "Neg. I had not really thought about it. I never had time to name my Wyvern. It had some FedCom quartermaster designation, nothing more. Just like this one."

           "Just like her, you mean."

        She shrugged. "What makes you so sure it is a 'her'?"

        Maddie glanced up at the mech. "You ever watch the ROMs of your simulator runs? Or even of your fights in your Wyvern? When you watch them from 3PV or from opfor gun cam angles, your mech has a swagger to it. It's not as pronounced in the Wyvern. I think you picked a lot of it up in your time in the clans. It kind of mirrors your walk when you're around other warriors. Your friend has the same thing. It's a kind of swagger, little bit of arrogance, but definitely feminine. It slips into your piloting. So this baby, she's definitely a girl."

        Fiona laughed. "You have a very strange way of viewing machines. And people, for that matter, I suppose."

        Maddie shoved her hands in her pockets and slouched her shoulders. "I'm a watcher, I guess. Always have been. Always watched people, machines, everything. I'm not much of a talker or a social butterfly or anything."

        Fiona chuckled. "You could have fooled me."

        Maddie frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

        Fiona smiled. "Relax, I meant no offense. It is just that you are quite bubbly and talkative for a clanner. I just found it strange that you find yourself not much of a talker."

       Seemingly satisfied, Maddie continued on. "It's gonna be the biggest battle in centuries. I'm no warrior, but part of me wishes I were out there to see it."

        Fiona walked over and stood beside the small tech, putting her arm around her shoulder as they both looked up at the battlemech. "Where will you be? I did not get the full briefing, just our Cluster Combat overview. It made no mention of where the technical elements would be. Do they plan on having you near the front at all?"

        Maddie sighed. "Doubtful. From everything I've heard, Clan Command thinks it will be a pushover. Most repair elements are going to be way in the back, probably in the LZ. I'm combat engineer rated, but the odds of them needing us for anything are next to nill. We mostly build fortifications, bridges, that sort of thing. Doubt we'll need that."

        "It is for the best. I am still nervous about the whole thing, to be honest."

        Maddie gave her a quizzical look. "Why? We have the best forces imaginable arrayed against them. Everyone say we cannot be defeated, and Terra is in our grasp. You and I will both see Terra together."

        Fiona sighed. "Things are too simple, too easy. Our leaders think this will be a walkover. I am worried. These ComStar soldiers are an unknown, and I dislike the idea of fighting them on our own terms of combat. It is too....I do not know, to tempting of a gift, wrapped up for our taking. There is something else in play here, Maddie. Mark my words. This will not be an easy fight, no matter the outcome."

        Maddie looked at her, confused. "Don't you want to win?"

        Fiona threw her one hand up in dismissal. "Of course I want to win. I am clan now. And even if I were not, the idea of restoring the Star League....it is intoxicating. To be the one to accomplish it....it is a goal beyond words. But I have been on the other side, Maddie. I know how the Inner Sphere sees us. They do not see us as the Star League reborn, they see us as conquerors coming to enslave humanity under a rigid caste system. We are alien, we are invaders, and we are the enemy. They will fight to the death. And what is worse, they have brought this fight to us, using our own customs. This is exactly how I defeated clan forces when I was fighting for the Federated Commonwealth. The ComGuard leader, Focht, he has seen something. He has seen a weakness, a crack in our armor. And he will give everything he has to pierce that crack."

        Maddie looked at her with concern. "Then you will simply have to do better. It is what you warriors do, quiaff?"

        She sighed. "Aff. I hope so. Aff."

        About a week had passed, Fiona was back in the routine of exercises with the unit, and there were no further incidents. There was still plenty of venom from Joanna and her assistant, but Fiona was determined to not let it get to her. Today was different. Today, the entire unit had been assembled at once, elementals included, and arranged in parade formation on the main tarmac. 

        They had been assembled there for a few minutes when Star Colonel Aidan Pryde appeared and strode over to the podium at the head of the group. The assembled group shuffled anxiously, knowing that if the commander was addressing them, something of consequence was about to happen.

        "Falcon Guards! I have exciting news for all of you. I know you have all worked extremely hard over the past weeks, and this unit has become something to be proud of indeed. You have shown me that you can come together as a unit, and now the time has come to show everyone, the Khans, all of the other clans, and the Inner Sphere! We have been chosen to fight in a great trial, an extraordinary battle for the fate of our great crusade! In two days time, we will board our ships for the world of Tukayyid, and there, we will face the warriors of ComStar in a trial of possession. The prize of that trial is nothing less than the jewel of Terra herself! When we defeat the ComGuard, we will take possession of Terra, and the clan that earns the greatest glory on Tukayyid will have the title of ilClan forever!"

        The speech was a rousing one, and went on for a bit longer, but Fiona could not help but feel a pit of nervousness forming in her stomach. A single trial, one battle to end it all, it was too good to be true. She knew it was. She did not know the details, but somehow she knew it was the same thing she had done when she first encountered the clans, exploiting the trial system.

        When the assembly broke up, Abigail slapped her on the back. "This is incredible news, quiaff?"

        Fiona tried to put on a brave face and nodded.

        Abigail saw through the facade. "What is wrong, surat?"

        She shook her head. "Do you not see? This is exactly how I was able to achieve victory when I first met the clans. The trial system. These ComGuards will find some way to exploit it, I am certain. ComStar is nothing if not devious."

        Abigail grabbed her by the shoulders. "They may be devious, but we are Jade Falcons. You achieved some success, yes, but ultimately you were defeated and made a bondsman. The clan prevailed. That will happen here as well. We will triumph over whatever deviousness they have planned, and we will prevail. We must, we are clan! Now, tell me, what do you know of this Tukayyid and these ComStar warriors?"

        She scratched her head. "I have never heard of Tukkayid. The Star Colonel said it lies in the Free Rasalhague Republic. It is not one of their major worlds. As for the ComGuards....I know very little. For much of the time after the exodus, no one knew that ComStar even maintained a military. Their primary defense was their control of the HPG network, nobody dared strike against them. But slowly, over the last several decades, it has become increasingly clear that they have stockpiled arms and equipment, and have been raising an army. I do not think anyone knew of the size of it. An army large enough to take on all of the clans? I do not know. They will be inexperienced, but they may have vintage Star League weapons. There is no way to know."

        "It will be glorious though, quiaff? Imagine, we are now mere months away from Terra. From completing the crusade. You and I shall stand on Terra's soil together. That is a dream come true."

        Fiona cautioned her friend. "It is not yet achieved. The battle still must be won. Much can go wrong."

          Abigail shook her head. "It cannot. We will not let it. We are Jade Falcon."

          The rest of the evening had surprised Fiona. After the shower, Abigail had told her that she was going to take her somewhere different to get out of the stuffiness of the Mudd Station barracks. They had gone back to Abigail's room, where she had stuffed an inordinate amount of blankets and tarps and a few other supplies into two large backpacks and then they had set out. 

          Fiona was left scratching her head as they made their way to one of the outward most supply buildings, a tall, ugly utilitarian structure, and had then proceeded to make their way up onto its flat roof. 

          Once they had made their way to one of the outermost corners, Abigail pull out the tarps and very quickly erected a kind of lean-to tent, covering the sky above them and leaving only open a wedge that looked out into the dense underbrush and woods that grew beyond the perimeter of the station. 

          She enlisted Fiona's help to layer some of the thicker blankets on top of the 'floor' of the tent, making it relatively comfortable. When they were done, Fiona turned to her. "You brought me up here to pitch a tent on the roof?"

          Abigail shrugged and smiled. "Well, we cannot leave the base, and the only privacy on the base is our quarters, I figured you might like a change of scenery."

          Fiona raised an eyebrow and gave Abigail an exaggerated up and down look. "Oh I do not mind the scenery, I just never would have guessed this."

          "Did you never go camping as a child, surat?" She teased. 

          "Neg, not really. Remember, I was a spoiled brat."

        Their coupling was slow and gentle, both out of necessity of Fiona's injuries and the general emotion and feel of the moment. After a while, a gentle rain began to fall, and Fiona nervously waited for drops to pierce their shelter. Abigail had built it well, and there was just the soft patter of the rain, a gentle rain different from the almost daily deluge that pounded Mudd Station in the afternoon.

        Abigail propped herself up on her elbows and turned her head to look at Fiona, who lay on her back with her arms above her head. "Can I ask you a silly question, surat?"

        Fiona nodded. "Sure. I think you and I are past worrying if questions are silly any longer. Shoot."

          "When you were a child in the Inner Sphere, what did you dream about?"

          Fiona scrunched her shoulders a bit. "That is a strange question. What do you mean?"

          "I mean growing up, what did you dream about as a child, what did you envision the future being? For me, and for that matter, for everyone I grew up around, it was simple. We all dreamed of becoming warriors, winning glory, and returning to the Inner Sphere. We never knew that we would be the generation to do it, but we dreamed of it anyway. But it occurred to me once that I had no idea what it was like for you."

          Fiona sighed softly. "Mine were ever changing. When I was very young, of course, I dreamed I would grow up to be a beautiful princess, somehow charming my way to become the beloved leader of New Ivaarsen."

          Abigail laughed gently. "I cannot imagine you like that, surat. You are too much of a fighter for that. But it is amusing just the same." 

          Fiona gently slapped at Abigail. "Go ahead and laugh, but you asked." She paused for a moment. "As I grew up, though, I began to realize that my parents were always going to be more focused on my brother. He was older, and he was a boy. For a time, my dream was to be better than he was, but I soon realized that all my successes would continue to be politely shuffled off to second place behind Jackson. And then my dreams shifted to finding something where I would be judged, where I could rise or fall, based on what I did, not according to my parents or anyone else's standards or ideas."

          Abigail smiled. "And that led you to becoming a warrior. And to coming here."

          Fiona nodded. "Not intentionally, but it has seemed to work out that way. I have no illusions that there is not still a ceiling here that I will never clear, but at least it is more straightforward here."

          "When we have restored the Star League, will you go home and show them all how far you have come?"

          She shook her head. "Neg, I do not see any circumstances that would ever lead me home. The clan is my home now."

          Several days had passed since the fight. Clan medicine was proving to be something of a marvel. She didn't understand the science of much of it, all she knew is that she was feeling much better and healing more quickly than she had imagined. 

          That wasn't to say she still didn't hurt. They had repaired her nose several days ago, and she still had powerful headaches whenever the painkillers wore off. 

          Lovvins walked into the medbay as she was sitting up. "How are you recovering?"

          She rubbed the back of her neck. "Quicker than I would have imagined. I think I should be back to normal in a few days."

          He stood with his hands on his hips. "This foolishness should never have happened in the first place. I do not know what you were thinking."

          She shot him an aggravated glance. "I was thinking like a clanner."

          He smirked. "Please, tell me how you fathom that?"

          She wobbly stood up. "Simple. Something was standing between me and something I wanted, so I fought it. Star Commander Joanna was driving a wedge between Abigail and I. I value her friendship too much to let that go without a fight."

        He scoffed. "And that is it?"

        She let her shoulders sag. "What more do you want?"

        "You are filling her head with silly freebirth notions like love and romance. Things that have no place in a warriors life."

        She shook her head. "Neg, I have fed her nothing. Whatever feelings she may or may not have are her own. They do not make her any less of a warrior, and they do not concern you."

        Lovvins bristled and stood to his full height. "You are growing rebellious, Fiona. And arrogant."

        Now it was her turn to stand tall. "Rebellious and arrogant. That sounds like the characteristics of a Jade Falcon warrior. Do not try to berate me for becoming the very thing you asked me to become. "

        Lovvins fumed for a moment. "If this ends badly, remember where it all started."

        With that, he turned and stormed out. Fiona let out a temporary sigh of relief. A moment later, Abigail arrived. "You are officially to be discharged from the medbay today, surat. You will be back on duty in no time from what the doctors tell me."

        She ran a hand through her hair. "Aff. I long to get out of this place and get a hot shower, even in the barracks facility here, though I never thought I would hear myself say that. I feel like a hot mess right now."

        Abigail gestured towards her. "I see they have removed the bandages from your nose. The scientists did an excellent job on your surgery."

        She gingerly touched her nose. "Aff, it is still slightly tender, but clan medicine is amazing. I was worried I was going to come out of this looking like a prize fighter or a hockey player."

        Abigail smiled. "Aff, you look like the surat I am familiar with. Speaking of, you mentioned you needed a shower. If you are cleared to leave, I might just be able to help you with that."

        Fiona shook her head and smiled. "You are incorrigible, Abigail. But yes, I am cleared to leave. So shall we go?"

        Abigail helped her make her way to the barracks, which would have been difficult in her current painkiller-induced haze. Her shoulder was still immensely sore, she could feel the dull pain through the fog of the painkillers, and so Abigail helped her top off. When she wobbled slightly from the buzz, Abigail eagerly volunteered to help her get undressed the rest of the way. Abigail's own clothes quickly followed, and they went into a stall and pulled the curtain closed behind them.

        In her mild morphine high, Fiona watched Abigail turn and crank the valve activating the shower head. She soaked in every bit of flesh, watched every muscle movement, and wondered how fate had brought her to such an amazingly beautiful example of a woman as this. The water began to spray, and Abigail turned and pulled Fiona by the hands into the stream.

        As the water poured over them, their eyes met and locked together. "I missed you, surat. I know, it is my own fault, and I hope you can forgive me for that." She draped her arms over Fiona's shoulders, linking her hands behind her head. "I was scared. There are feelings going on inside me that I do not know how to deal with. I have never encountered this before, and I do not know what the right way to handle it is. Everyone I have spoken to about it has told me to cast them aside and collapse in on myself, but that does not feel right. And so perhaps I am messing this up, surat, I do not know, but my last resort is to share my feelings with you. You have grown on me, surat. Slowly I began to realize I missed your company. First it was your wit and arrogance, then it grew to include the feel of your body against mine. I have felt the unfulfilled desire to couple on occasion, but never until I met you have I felt a singular desire to couple with a single person. Not even among my sibmates. I am confused beyond all reason, but I believe I can honestly say to you, surat, that I love you."

        Fiona saw Abigail close her eyes, as if waiting for an artillery shell to drop and destroy everything. She gently took Abigail's face in her hands and kissed her gently. "I know. I have known for some time. Because I feel the same. I feel sometimes as though I am living in a fantasy world, having this amazing woman practically dropped in front of me. But it is not fantasy. It is reality. And it is you and I."

        With that, both of their barriers fell away and they kissed deeply and passionately, losing themselves in the moment for a time, before having to break the kiss and deal with reality once more. Abigail squeezed her gently. "What do we do now, surat?"

        Fiona took a deep breath. "Nothing. we just be ourselves. This is not the Inner Sphere where we can run off and live a life together. We are bound by our duties. We are warriors. But that does not mean we cannot share our feelings, our love, when we are alone. But it can only ever be when we are alone."

        Abigail nodded slightly, never breaking eye contact. "Aff. I understand." She smiled coyly. "I have no further duties today, and you are not back on active duty yet. Let us make the rest of today one of those times where we share ourselves."

          

        Abigail ran quickly to Fiona's side and knelt down beside her. "You are the most stubborn, most foolish woman I have ever met, surat. Are you alright?"

        Fiona gritted her teeth through the pain. "What do you think?"

        Abigail laughed softly to fight back tears. "You should not have done that surat. You did not have to."

        Fiona reached out with her good arm and struggled to get the words out. "I did...missed you...couldn't let her....between us."

        Abigail squeezed her hand. "Do not say anymore. Not right now. You are slipping into contractions. That, and you are going into shock. The medics will be here soon, but do not worry, I will take care of you, surat."

        She glanced down at her friend. Blood was still pouring from her broken nose, and her once white Jade Falcon tank top was now soaked deep red with blood. Abigail quickly stripped off her own tank top and pushed it as gently as she could to Fiona's face to stop the bleeding without inflicting too much more pain. She could tell from the bulge at her left shoulder that Fiona's shoulder was severely dislocated.

        "How touching. Tending to your wounded lover like a nurse. Pathetic. I was right about you, you are weak." Joanna stood over the pair of them.

        Abigail looked up at her with rage in her eyes. "Be glad I care more about her wellbeing than revenge on you, old hag. Go gloat somewhere else before I decide I am in error and tear you limb from limb." Her rage was joined by a small sense of pride when she looked at Joanna and saw the extent of her own injuries. Her lower lip was bloody and split open, and she would have a nasty black eye for a few days. At least Abigail's training had been of some use to Fiona.

        Joanna looked down scornfully before walking away. "Do not worry, weak little eyas. I am sure she will recover quickly and you can resume coupling like Inner Sphere harlots in love."

        Just then, the medics arrived. They quickly took over, tending to Fiona's wounds and administering a fast-acting painkiller. Fiona was unconscious by the time they put her on a stretcher and carried her off to the medbay.

        Abigail stayed with her the entire time, eventually commandeering a blanket to wrap around herself to combat the chill of the medbay given that she was clad only in leggings and a sports bra. She curled up in an uncomfortable chair, took Fiona's good hand in hers, and eventually fell asleep.

        Sometime later, she was awakened with a start and noticed someone standing at the foot of the bed. She blinked away the fatigue, and noticed it was Star Colonel Pryde. She quickly distangled her hand from Fiona's and cast the blanket off, coming to a respectful stance in front of her commander. "My apologies, Star Colonel. I did not expect that Fiona would have any visitors. I apologize also for my attire, I did not have time to return to my quarters."

        Aidan waved her concerns away. "It is alright, Mechwarrior. This is not really an official visit. I witnessed what happened earlier and wanted to check on Mechwarrior Fiona's condition. She fought bravely and quite well, especially for a freebirth."

        "A freeborn, commander. I make a point of not using the term freebirth in her presence. She has made every effort to adapt in the time since she was made a bondsman, and I try to respect that."

        Aidan nodded. "I understand, Abigail. I do much the same with my comrade, Mechwarrior Horse. They will never be trueborn, but they are warriors nonetheless, quiaff?"

        Abigail glanced down at her friend. Her eyes were closed, and her nose was bandaged. They had generally reset the nose, but they would do simple surgery on it later, and given clan medicine, you would not notice it had been severely broken. She was not sure why that mattered to her, any other time cosmetics would mean little to her. But there was something she cherished about the...well...beauty of her friend that she was glad would not be marred by this incident. Her left arm was immobilized, and Abigail knew that under the blanket covering her, Fiona's chest was tightly bandaged to help facilitate the healing of a cracked rib. Again, clan medicine meant that the process would be swift.

        "Aff, Star Colonel. I have had the privilege of training her in our ways, and I assure you, she has as much the heart of a warrior as you or I, no matter the accident of her birth,"

        He glanced down at her and nodded. "I understand your sentiment, Abigail. If I had any doubts about her assignment to the Falcon Guards, they are gone after her display today."

        "I am glad you understand, sir. Not many would."

        He sighed. "Not many have my colorful background either, Abigail." He paused for a moment, considering her words. "Joanna told me you swore vengeance for this. I understand your position. But I would ask you to let it go. Fiona and Joanna have buried the hatchet. I will speak to Joanna about it. For the unit, this must end. We are all misfits in a way here in the new Falcon Guards. But we must overcome it if we are to become a unit."

        Abigail scoffed. "That seems unlikely, sir."

        Aidan shook his head. "It must happen." He paused again for a moment, then faced her. "This is not common knowledge, and you must keep it to yourself until it is announced to the unit at large. The ilKhan has bid for a proxy battle for Terra. It will take place at the beginning of May. Yes, that is only a few months away. In that battle, we will face the combined forces of ComStar for the right to possess Terra. I am told it is a virtual certainty that the Falcon Guards will be bid in this fight. We must rally, we must put aside our bickering, and we must become a unit if we are to lead our clan to victory. That means putting aside personal vendettas for the betterment of the clan. I need warriors like you....and Fiona...and Joanna, ALL of you, for this fight, and all of you together. We must prevail."

        She paused, the excitement of the announcement overcoming her for a moment. "I understand, Star Colonel. I promise, we will be ready. I will be ready. And Fiona will be ready."

          The next day, the entire unit was scheduled for a long march with gear. Fiona had no doubt that the gear assignments would be punitive on the part of Star Commander Joanna. She had dressed lightly, wearing only calf length leggings and a tank top. 

          She hadn't planned to confront Abigail that day, but then she had spotted her nearby, stretching alone. She watched for a few minutes, marveling at the combination of lean and strength that was her friend. She still wasn't quite sure what it was that she felt. It wasn't exactly romance, but it was certainly beyond simple lust. 

          She made her way over to Abigail. "Can we talk, Abigail?"

          The clanner stood and put her hands on her hips. "This is not a good time, surat."

          Fiona shook her head. "It is never a good time for you anymore. We have not spoken in days. I miss your company."

          "Not here. Not now."

          She reached out and put a hand on Abigail's shoulder. "This is not you. What is wrong?"

          Abigail tended and then wriggled away, her gaze momentarily travelling past Fiona. "Nothing. I just need space. "

          Fiona turned to find out what had caught her friend's attention, and spotted Star Commander Joanna standing with Mechwarrior Diana and Star Colonel Pryde. She turned back to Abigail. "It is her, quiaff? She is filling your head with that Trueborn garbage and making you ashamed to be my friend. She is driving a wedge between us. Well I will not let that happen."

          As she turned and started to stalk off towards Joanna, Abigail called after her. "Do not do anything foolish, surat."

          Fiona did not turn back, striding confidently towards Joanna. "Too late"

          She stopped right in front of Joanna. "I am tired of your games and your bullshit. I am challenging you to meet me in a circle of equals."

          Joanna laughed uproariously. "You and I are not equals, freebirth. Just because you were lucky enough to be plucked from your freebirth cesspool and granted the privilege of becoming a Jade Falcon warrior, you will always be spheroid filth compared to a trueborn. Go away."

          Fiona stood her ground. "I may be freeborn, but at least I am no coward. You use cowardly tricks at every turn. And as if that is not enough, you are now so cowardly that you will not face me to justify yourself. "

          Joanna's anger flared. " I will give you one chance to perform surkai and get out of here."

          Fiona stood even taller, leaning defiantly towards Joanna. "I have done nothing wrong. I will not invoke surkai. I speak the truth."

          Joanna balled her fists. "Then you will have your circle, whelp. You and I, unaugmented, in the gymnasium, right now. I will not kill you in front of all of these warriors, I will simply humiliate you and leave you a bloody pulp."

          Abigail knew things were going to be bad the instant she realized Fiona was going to talk to Joanna. Her fears were realized minutes later. She had been unable to hear the details of the exchange, but shortly after, Joanna had announced that everyone would file into the gymnasium to watch a thrashing in the circle of equals. 

          Some of the Falcon Guards grumbled, but most seemed eager for some excitement. They all filed into the gym, which had been adapted by the Clan forces already into a circular court, which was at the moment set up for some lacrosse-like game. 

          Joanna and Fiona both stepped into the readymade circle, and the assembled warriors sat in the bleachers. 

          The fight started out slow, with the two opponents feeling each other out. Joanna no doubt would have preferred to simply rush in, but she was not so foolish as to do so without knowing her opponents capabilities. Abigail could see that Fiona was eager, but she too was fighting smart. 

          It wasnt long before the fight got serious. The blows and attacks got stronger and more aggressive, in spite of the fact that neither woman could gain an advantage. several times Joanna seemed to pin Fiona,  only to have the younger Freeborn spring free. Alternatively,  Fiona landed several significant blows to the older warrior, but Joanna always bounced back and shrugged the hit off. 

          The crowd was something of an interesting dynamic. At first they had been subdued, but as things got serious, they got more vocal and energized. The crowds support first swung to Joanna, siding with the trueborn over the free. But the momentum swung as the crowd started to realize that the upstart freebirth was holding her own against Joanna the taskmaster. 

          The fight seemed to drag on forever. Each warrior had struck blows, but nothing close to a knockout. And now, the endless punch and counterpunch was beginning to wear both women down. Now it was a matter of who made the first mistake. 

          Much to Abigail's disappointment, the first mistake was made by Fiona. Joanna had lunged in for a strike, and Fiona had easily deflected the weak attack. There was no telling if Joanna was tiring or if she deliberately laid a trap. Either way, Fiona counterattacked vigorously, but Joanna rapidly dodged, leaving Fiona overextended. 

          With speed belying her age, Joanna grasped Fiona's left arm, held it firm, and delivered a powerful kick right below her armpit. The shoulder popped with an audible crack, and Fiona let out a cry of pain. She stumbled and barely remained standing, clutching at her left shoulder. 

          Joanna did not leave her any time to nurse the wound. She charged at Fiona, who managed to fight off her grapple attempt in spite of being currently one-armed. But her focus was gone, shattered by the searing pain in her arm. She was too slow in noticing Joanna spin around and deliver a kick to the back of her knee that sent her sprawling on her back. 

          Joanna stood over her for a second or two, as if judging the likelihood that Fiona would get up. Apparently satisfied that she would not, she delivered a furious kick to her side, leading Fiona to cry out once again in pain. 

          Joanna stood astride her fallen opponent and dropped to her knees, straddling her. She drove a blow directly into Fiona's chest, driving the breath from her lungs. As fiona instinctively tried to curl up from the blow, Joanna grabbed her by the hair and leaned in close, whispering something in her ear that the audience could not hear. 

          Letting Fiona's head drop to the ground, she swung her fist down and connected with the y oi unger womans nose with an audible crunch, sending her head flying to the side as blood began to pour from her nose. Joanna stood up, grabbed Fiona by the ankle, and dragged her unceremoniously to the edge of the circle, and careful not to break the circle herself, flung Fiona over the line. 

          Joanna triumphantly gazed around at the crowd. "We are done here, back to the field!" She shouted. Her gaze lingered on Abigail for a moment, her own look of arrogance meeting Abigail's look of rage. The crowd began heading for the door, but Abigail instead headed for Fiona's prone, bleeding form. 

          Lovvins grabbed her by the arm. "This way. The medics will take care of her. "

          Abigail twisted her arm free. "Neg, not alone they will not. And do not even try to lecture me or stop me."

        Fiona knocked on the door of Abner's quarters. It had been almost a week, and Abigail was still giving her the silent treatment. She didn't understand it, and it was frustrating her beyond belief. The daily physical training regimen that Star Commander Joanna had instituted had been the only thing to keep her mind away from the situation.

        Abner opened the door. "Hey kid. What can I do for you?"

        She took a deep breath. "I have a problem I need to discuss with someone."

        He gestured for her to come in and closed the door after. "I assume it's a freeborn problem?"

        She paused and shook her head. "No. Well....maybe...I do not know. Why would you say that?"

        He leaned casually against the wall. "Well, if it was a normal problem, you'd talk to Miss Trueborn about it. You're here talking to me, not her, so I figure it's a freeborn thing."

        She sat down on the edge of the bed. "Neg. It is an Abigail problem."

        He frowned. "Oh. I see. Well, I'll see what I can do without fighting with her again. Fighting hurt. I'd rather not do that again."

        She explained the situation to him in as much detail as she could. He leaned against the wall silently for a few moments, stroking his beard, then cocked his head slightly. "What's the problem? Why does it bother you?"

        She shrugged. "I do not know, it simply does. She is my friend. I am still a stranger in a foreign land in many ways. I just wish I knew what the problem was."

        He walked over and sat beside her on the bed, his elbows on his knees. "Look, kid. I don't know for sure what's wrong, but I can hazard a guess. I'd wager our esteemed Falconer got under her skin, put her to shame for hanging around with dirty freebirths and all that."

        Fiona shook her head in confusion. "It is possible, but why would words from that old hag affect her so?"

        "It probably just has her confused. There's not many trues tolerate freeborns at all. Joanna probably fed her some surat shit about how she can be great and all that but she has to clean up her act. So now she's running scared."

        "Scared? Scared of what?" she furrowed her brow.

        He paused, obviously choosing his words carefully. "Look, you know she sees you differently, right?"

        She shook her head. "No, what do you mean?"

        He raised an eyebrow. "For all intents and purposes, she treats you like you're true. She doesn't look down on you like she does every other freeborn. You weren't raised here in our society, so you don't know how unusual that is. Trues don't just have freeborn friends, it's not the way it works. So she's torn. Does she do the 'right' thing, or does she stick with where her feelings are taking her."

        Fiona chuckled. "It is strange to hear you talk about her having feelings."

        He shrugged in response. "For all their talk, trues aren't any different then us really. Some tweaked genes here and there. Faster and stronger a little. But they're still human, have feelings just like the rest of us. And now she's been called out for feeling she isn't supposed to have."

        "You make it sound like she's some schoolgirl scolded for having a crush."

        He turned his head to face her. "I don't know what you want to call it, but there's something there. I mean, in the time I've been around you guys, you two have always coupled like sibko kids hitting puberty."

        She smacked him playfully on the arm. "So? Coupling is different here than in the Inner Sphere, less inhibited, it is refreshing."

        "Feelings still happen."

        She shook her head. "We are just friends. It just so happens that she is amazingly hot and finds me attractive as well. It is not a big deal"

        He smirked. "Then why is how she's acting bothering you so much?"

        One floor down and a few rooms over, Abigail landed on her back and let her muscles relax and focused on slowing her breathing. She still felt the occasional twitch that came from a good coupling session and noted a few beads of sweat trickling slowly with the rise and fall of her chest.

        Lovvins rolled onto his side beside her, already calm and relaxed. "So, what is the problem you wish to discuss with me?"

        She kept her eyes closed and continued focusing on her breathing. "Perhaps I simply wished to couple."

        He chuckled softly. "Neg. You seek me out for coupling when you have a problem you wish to discuss, but are unsure about raising it in the course of everyday duties. If you simply wished a coupling partner, you would have sought out a mechwarrior somewhere, probably a female. Our freebirth friend, for example."

        She opened her eyes."Well, you are correct, and that is the problem I wish to discuss."

        He blinked. "Something is wrong between you and Fiona?"

        She stared up at the ceiling, looking for patterns in the ferro-crete. "After the exercise incident, I went to see Star Commander Joanna to challenge her on equal footing. It was foolish, but I thought I could gain some measure of lost pride back. She denied the challenge and went on the attack herself. She focused on my interactions with Fiona, each attack getting more perverse and obscene, until finally I attempted to strike her."

        Lovvins raised an eyebrow. "How did that go?"

        "She blocked my blow and told me that I needed to start acting like a trueborn and cast off other diversions. Especially Fiona. That my feelings would be a burden to me that I should release."

        The elemental rolled back onto his back. "Savashri."

        She opened her eyes and rolled over to face him. "What? What is wrong?"

        He sighed deeply. "Please tell me you have not developed some kind of freebirth emotional bond with her."

        Her jaw tightened. "Neg! I mean...I do not know. I cannot say. I...I am just confused right now."

        He sat up and faced her. "Stravag, by the blood of the founders I thought you were more warrior than that, or I would never have placed her in your charge."

        Her nostrils flared. "This has nothing to do with my being a warrior."

        He smacked his hand against the mattress. "It has everything to do with being a warrior. When you are a warrior, your very life is for the clan. Emotional attachments are for the lower castes and freebirths to justify their vile procreation. For warriors,  such attachments are a fatal flaw."

        She cast the sheets aside and climbed out of bed, holding her hand out to stop him from continuing. "Stop! You are treating me as if I were a Sibko brat with a silly crush, or some foolish freebirth woman wrapped up in a vile love story. It is nothing like that."

        He remained in the bed, his gaze following her as she paced angrily. "Then why are you so bothered by all of this? Star Commander Joanna was correct, the clan like thing to do is get rid of extraneous attachments. The logical thing to do would be to comply. Yet you are bothered by it. This serves to confirm that there is some abnormal attachment there."

        She thrust a finger angrily at him. "Neg! There is not." She knew it was a lie. "We are comrades and have become friends. That is all." Even as she said it, her mind rebuked her for the lie. She may have even believed their relationship was merely one of friendship until Joanna had prodded her. In the moment she had tried to lash out at Joanna, her self-delusions had crumbled and she had been forced to admit that there was something more, something she did not understand and that she was simultaneously excited by and fearful of.

        Her reaction had been to push Fiona away to give herself space, but the reality was that the added distance seemed to being with it an even stronger desire. At first it was just Fiona creeping into her thoughts at ever increasing moments. Then she had entered Abigail's dreams on several occasions. It was simultaneously maddening, infuriating, and exhilarating. 

          Lovvins sighed. "It had better be. There is no place among warriors for that sort of frailty. You would be wise to remember that, Abigail."