I'm sitting here at my keyboard, desperately trying to come up with words to describe how I feel right now and failing. I feel empty, lost, alone. In Battletech, you always hear of how disorienting it is to make a K-F jump. I guess it feels a little like that. To have everything you wanted and hoped for ripped away in the blink of an eye.
I've played in this universe since I was 8 or 9 years old, and I'm now in my forties. I've never felt so rejected in this universe before. This is on par with losing a relationship or something of that sort. Or losing a dear friend. Is losing a dream any less valid? I sometimes wish I had never dreamed of it at all, so I could not feel this level of disappointment, sadness, and loss.
I know some would say "Just go write in another universe" But those other universes don't have the pull of Battletech for me. They don't have the experience of getting that first Ral Partha Phoenix Hawk mini from my older brother-in-law and guiding its adventures through the universe based on reading and re-reading the Grey Death Trilogy, making my own characters to flesh out the pages of the old Camo Specs book, or practicing math by homebrewing different variants from the dilapidated old copy of TRO 3050 that I still own to this day.
None of those universes have seen me through the struggles with my own gender identity or struggles with mental health issues. None of those other universes have been my escape when I felt alone and afraid in the world. And none of them can take the place in my heart or my imagination that Battletech can.
I don't know how to move forward and move on. I don't know what direction to go in. I just don't know. I just wish this night would end and there could be morning again. I just wish this night would end....
Thank you very much for blocking me on Twitter. Now I don't have to read your incessant whining and crying.
ReplyDeleteInternet hugs(with permission)! I saw your post about Young and Hanza reaching out, I hope they can give you a hand!
ReplyDeleteThey are both amazing people. They have both helped me more than i probably deserve.
DeleteMuch more than you deserve.
DeleteMaybe reflect on yourself and come to the realization that this all happened because of your own actions. Things don't happen magically on their own, they require hands and minds to put them into motion.
ReplyDeleteInvent time travel and go back and tell yourself not to ruin what you had going for you and not to ruin it for the rest of us
As already stated, you brought this upon yourself. Not to beat a dead horse here, but you really need to get help. You need to make amends to those who you have harmed. All the bad Karma you have unleashed into the universe WILL continue to come back to bite you in the ass. Please, please, please get some help. In all honesty, you getting some kind of mental/emotional counseling & therapy is a must. There are places out there that can help you. Stop persecuting those who you disagree with. The simple fact is that tolerance is a two-way street, when you demand tolerance & acceptance for your ideals you have to be willing to respect the other side and give them that same curtesy. Anything less is uncivilized and fascistic. Only with an open discourse between both sides of an issue will there be any kind of progress to a better future for all of us.
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