Meet Jason...

     Identity is a strange thing, and I've been struggling with it these past few years. But thankfully, I'm getting a grip on things, and it's time to put everything together in one place. It's time to define who I am so that I can move forward in a positive way.

    I'm Jason. Some of you know me as Ace Kaller (My writing persona) and others know me as House Master Po Ding (My gaming persona). They're all one person. It's getting confusing to keep the two separate, and so the time has come to merge everything together. 

    Ace Kaller was supposed to be me, but instead, Ace turned out to be me trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be. I kept trying to be what people wanted, and in doing so, kept losing track of myself.

    Po Ding was my gaming persona, and the one where I could freely be myself. I didn't have to lie about who or what I was, a non-binary masculine presenting member of the Battletech community. I could freely go out on voice chat and not worry about what people would think of me, I could talk about my life, my real life, and be accepted for it.

    And so the time has come to phase out Ace. I don't need Ace anymore. I can be Jason, gaming as House Master Po Ding. Po Ding is about balance, and I've finally found that balance. I hope that people will accept me for who I am, for who I truly am, and that I can finally begin the long process of repairing my image in the Battletech Community and the many relationships that have been damaged over time as I've struggled with my identity.

I'm still trying...

     Hello again to everyone. I'm not sure where this post will end up going, just that I need to write it and get it out. I'm struggling with something, poised on a precipice if you will, but I don't know if it's on the verge of something great or just another failure. 

    The issue of my identity has haunted me for years. I've struggled with it, lied about it, fought with it, and I still end up back at the same place. Thankfully, with the help of a great mental health team, I've been able to get a better grasp of who I am, and be more comfortable with who I am within myself.

    Unfortunately, that hasn't translated well online. I've put "Faith" in the past, and I tried to rebrand myself as "Ace", but unfortunately, I ended up making Ace what I thought people wanted instead of who I truly am. And that just doesn't work. It hasn't worked, and it isn't going to work. I deserve better, and you all deserve better as well. I deserve to be myself, and you deserve to get the real me.

    Fortunately, however, I started branching out into other areas online, and I found that I could be myself and actually be accepted for who I am. And I have been. I've made some great connections and been able to be authentic while doing so. I'm in a happy place.

    Everywhere except the Battletech community. In the Battletech community, I've clung to the idea of Ace as what I thought everyone wanted out of me, and in doing so, I wasn't what anyone actually wanted or deserved. I haven't been,

    But I want to change that. I want to just be myself, as myself, in the community of the game that I love. I'm just not sure how to do that yet. I'm trying. I'm struggling. I'm failing. But I'm still trying...